When I first discovered that high needs babies were a thing and that my baby was the very definition of one, I felt the insatiable urge to educate myself. I read every single article I could find on the subject.
It was first comforting to know that I wasn’t crazy, that what I was going through wasn’t the same as what my friends were going through. It was reassuring to know that my behavior wasn’t the root of our issues, that I hadn’t created the situation.
It was also helpful to realize that I wasn’t alone and that others had survived that same journey before me.
For the first time I read articles that told me that I was doing things right, that everything that everybody around me seemed to question was actually exactly what my baby needed. I wasn’t just being overprotective, I wasn’t spoiling him. I was simply addressing his needs and besides it was true: I didn’t have much of a choice there.
But all the reassurance and support I got from reading about high needs babies also came with a couple of downsides.
Did this mean that my baby was different? As in not normal? Did it mean that he would struggle later on? Was he always going to be miserable in a world meant for less involved human beings?
I struggled to grasp the implications of the google diagnosis and I still do. The fact is, we know very little about high needs babies. We can’t figure out what causes it and our needs for answers, any answer, puts it off on their sensitive personalities. While it is part of their personalities, it still feels like there’s more to it than that.
Nobody really talks about what happens to high needs babies when they grow up. Things get easier is one phrase that keeps coming back, but even if it’s entirely true, it doesn’t mean that they suddenly turn into the likes of what we consider normal. As a toddler, my little guy is still extremely focused, obsessed, intense, and he needs a lot of physical contact. While all my friends complain that their toddler isn’t hugging them, mine comes to nest on my lap when he’s playing on the floor, he cradles between me and his dad on the couch, he falls asleep in your arms, and he runs across the yard simply to give us a big hug. The differences seem to persist and for once it may be for the better.
This brings me to the other aspect no one ever mentions: the joy high needs babies can bring you.
I’m not going to lie, the first year was extenuating, intense to say the least, challenging, and it came with its buckets of tears and meltdowns on both sides. But it was also full of love, happiness and bonding.
Because I had to hold my little one at all times or almost I got to really tune to his needs. I could tell within seconds what he needed or what was bothering him.
I never missed a bit. We did everything together – almost still as one body – and we were constantly part of each other’s life. Despite the back pains it was the most beautiful bonding experience I’ve ever known.
It also made him surprisingly independent. As soon as he could walk, we’d go do some gardening together and he would walk away around the yard, go say hello to the neighbors, and come back to sit on my feet and dig some more with me. He wasn’t scared of anything because he knew he could relie on me to be there.
It may sound paradoxical, but it turns out that the more you respond to a baby’s needs, the more independent they become. By always being there for him I gave him the opportunity to not need me so much. Instead of feeling compelled to staying close to me because he desperately needed my attention, he started in my arms with all of my attention and he started needing to expand his territory. Being with mommy was no longer the thing he had to fight for, but a given he could come back to anytime.
Emotional stability is essential for high needs babies to thrive because they are so sensitive. They also give you so much love – granted if you’re not mommy you may have to wait almost a whole year to taste that love. But if you are mommy, they will make you feel like the most important person in the whole wide world. You’re their entire world and they love you with all their hearts. This is worth spending sleepless nights walking him to make him feel better.
Speaking of sleep, they also force you to rest because they force you to stay in bed. With a high needs baby, there is no such thing as putting him down in his crib and doing dishes. First because a crib could never have been an option once we realized that he would not even sleep in a co-sleeper because that was still too far from mommy’s chest. Second because they just won’t sleep alone. So no matter what, you go to bed when your baby goes to bed and you get out of bed when it’s time for your baby to get up. There’s no way around it. That of course doesn’t mean that you get a lot of rest. Most of my nights are spent nursing every 20 minutes, then every 2 or 3 hours when I’m lucky. Some nights contain less than 3 hours of solid sleep and while my little boy happily snoozes his morning away, catching up on a bad night I work from his bed, computer on one hip, baby on the opposite shoulder. But still, I didn’t have to be in bed with him I would probably be even more tired.
High needs babies are also incredibly smart and they can master skills in no time. Because they are so focused, because they get obsessed with new challenges, they learn problem solving skills very early on and they devote most of their energy to practicing their new skills. They need time to explore everything from every possible angle. They are passionate and they don’t give up. They make you proud all the time.
They’re extremely compassionate and they can get awfully upset if they realize they have hurt you. They care so much about making you happy that you have to fake it and hide it from them when they accidentally hurt you. We quickly realized that if he noticed he had hurt us our little one would have an unconsolable meltdown to the point of refusing to be comforted. The realization came with our baby boy’s knee slipping while he was climbing on dada, kicking him straight in the sibling maker factory. Not a pleasant time for either of them.
Finally, and this probably one of the most beautiful aspects, they make you feel like you’re the most important person in the entire universe. When my baby looks at me I know that I matter. I know that I don’t need to prove anything to anybody anymore because I’m his person, I’m who he needs, who he loves and that’s really all that matters.
Feeling needed so much can bring its load of exhaustion, but it’s also empowering and beautiful.
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